Indy Comics Writer

There are times when you read a comic and you think to yourself: “I could’ve written something better than this.” (Just hope it’s not when you’re looking at something you actually did write!)

This happened when I picked up the trade paperback of Spider-Man/Red Sonja by, of course, Marvel. I don’t know what writer Michael Oeming was thinking when he put together this team-up, but I hope he didn’t waste too much brainpower coming up with the “story.” This was one lame book.

First off, Red Sonja, no matter how many fans she may have, is lame already. We all know her appeal, and it isn’t her backstory, personality or swordsmanship. No, she’s Conan in a chain-mail bikini. At least that’s one thing this team-up of Spider-Man and Red Sonja gets right: Oeming does have Spider-Man poke fun now and again at Sonja’s choice of “armor.”

Here’s a tangent that I know has been discussed constantly on comic forums, but I can’t resist: What possible protection could that idiotic chain-mail bikini provide a warrior like Red Sonja? A villain would have to aim to actually hit the chain mail!

The story revolves around the evil wizard Kulan Gath. If you’ve ever read any of Doctor Strange’s adventures, you’ve seen countless villains just like him. Basically, he’s a boring, cackling maniac intent on draining the universe of its energy, or something like that. The mini-series also features Venom, the Scorpion, Lizard and Hobgoblin, all looking like they belong in Red Sonja’s universe rather than in Spider-Man’s. And, in a major plot device that really does nothing, Mary Jane, Spider-Man’s then main girl, is actually transformed into Red Sonja.

It may sound like a lot is happening, but it isn’t. In fact, it feels like a rather lame retread of Neil Gaiman’s Marvel 1602 series, which re-imagined the Marvel Universe in, well, the year 1602. That was a clever, interesting read. This Red Sonja/Spider-Man stuff is not.

It all makes the novice comic writer frustrated. If Marvel — and DC has produced its own share of crap, too — hires writers who turn out such dull stories, then why aren’t I working for them? The reason is that any rookie comic writer can’t be just as good as a current writer at the Big Two. The rookie has to be better than them. A lot better. The rookie also has to show he or she can make deadlines, can turn stories in on time and can follow directions.

The only way to do that is to build up a library of published comic writing, whether it be in print or online. I hate to say it, but until that portfolio gets some heft to it, no big publisher is going to care about you, even if you could write Spider-Man/Red Sonja in your sleep.

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